Emotional Abuser Part #1
We must realize that both men and women can be an abuser or the victim. Women can be the abuser to a timid caring man.
An abusive person is a controlling person. Where there is control, there is abuse. If you are married to a person who is an abuser, it is more like a parent/child relationship rather than a relationship of equality and respect. There is nothing that will kill love and passion faster in a relationship then being married to someone who insists on being “one-up” or being in the parent role. Who wants to go to bed with their parent? Abuse is about power and control.
There are overt abusers and there are covert abusers. Overt abusers come right out and abuse blatantly and boldly. Covert abusers are the worst and the hardest to confront. They do their abusing and controlling in a hidden, manipulative, secretive way (book “In Sheep’s Clothing”). They say one thing with their mouth and appear to be loving and kind, but their actions are controlling and conveying the message that you are stupid and worth nothing in their sight. They manipulate to get their way by getting people to feel sorry for them, making people feel guilty, etc. Some people call it an evil spell when they uses these covert techniques. When they are kicked out of the house, they find people who will sympathize with them. To get people to do this, they must manipulate their feelings and get them to believe that they have been unjustly wronged.
So in order for the abuser to get sympathy or consolation from people, they must manipulate them into thinking that they has been unjustly wronged in order to get their “flesh patted” or to get consoled, when they really needs to suffer the consequences of their behavior, which is what will cause them to change. A PERSON WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL THE PAIN OF NOT CHANGING IS GREATER THEN THE PAIN OF CHANGE. The abuser will call their mother, brother, friends or whoever will listen and tell them untruthful things in order to get them to console. They will manipulate people to get comforted. No one likes a manipulator. The abuser tries to get people to feel sorry for them by sighing, acting hurt or emotionally distressed. As long as they can find people who will console them instead of let them suffer the consequences of their behavior. The abuser will continue to manipulate people to get others to feel sorry for them so THEY FEEL BETTER. This will not allow them to take responsibility for their behavior.
This manipulative, “feel sorry for me behavior” an “evil spell”. You must be carful the abuser doesn’t put you under their evil spell. The abuser will manipulate a person’s emotions to get what they want. They are chameleons who changes color depending on who they are with. They will tell you what they think you want to hear in order to protect them. The abuser will give the old “Repentfull” routine to fool many pastors, ministers, bible study leaders and so on, yet they never changes their behavior. A chameleon changes his color according to their surroundings in order to protect themselves.
A controlling abuser is all about protecting themselves and that is why they are controlling in the first place. They are con-people, a master salesperson, who can win academy awards for their acting ability. The biggest problem is they believes the things they says, yet the behavior never changes and the things they says never line up with the things they do. There is a big gap between the words and walk. A Christian family counselor once stated they are “like a dog that professed undying love and devotion to his family while pissing on their leg.” He also said that, “relationally, things were like making a whole pot of homemade soup. You put in all these good ingredients and then pour in the poison.” What they do is so hurtful and poisonous that it killed everybody and everything and it didn’t matter what good things they had put in the pot. Death resulted.
Abusers are often extremely charming and come off as “A Super Nice Person” to those who don’t live with them. That is part of that “evil spell” , they are fake and a phony! Some have called it the “Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde syndrome.”
Their Power and Control uses are:
Using Intimidation – Abusers will making the family feel afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.
They use they isolation technique – that abusers use it to isolate their family from anyone who would help them. This cuts the family off from neighbors, family, friends, pastors, or anyone who may offer support to the abuser’s family or his victims.
When talking to a pastor or others who can help, the abuser will tell all the bad stuff that the pastor so the victims feel like no one would listen to them, believe them, or help them. They feel abandoned by God and others.
The abuser make the victims feel like nothing they do is right. The abuser always has a better way of doing things and if you don’t do things their way or take their advice, they use the intimidation methods of control or they resort to shaming and belittling.
Using Emotional Abuse – Putting family members down, making them feel bad about themselves, calling them names, making them think they are crazy, playing mind games, humiliating them, making them feel guilty.
The abuser is a master at these. By constantly “fixing and helping” they put family members down and ruining their self-esteem and making them dependent on them in an unhealthy way. The abuser will resort to shaming family members when they don’t think, feel, or want the same things as they do. If you want to do something and they don’t, they start trying to convince you to see things their way and even debate you. If that doesn’t work, they will start shaming you and discards your feelings, thoughts, wants and needs by explaining them away with their reasoning and rationale. The constant unspoken message is “You have no reason to ‘feel, think, need or want’ the things you do because……..”
Another technique is to make you feel like a bad person for feeling or wanting what you do. The abuser rarely says yes to anything you want to do. This is passive/aggressive behavior. The requests can range from not having mini-blinds in our home, to inviting some people from work over for a cookout, or visiting family or friends.
The victim always needs to get “permission” for everything and anything in life. The abuser will refute your plans by using emotionally abuse actions by shaming you, belittling you, calling you names, etc. Abusers want to tell you what to think, feel, look like, want and generally dictate who you are as a person. You become who they want you to be. The abuser will call you names making you feel unstable.
The abuser has trespassed emotional, physical and sexual boundaries with family members. The abuser tries to make family members think they are crazy. If things are missing or misplaced it is you fault. The abuser is a master emotional abuser and a master at playing mind games. The abuser wants to tell their family members what to think, what to feel, what to want and who to be. A person’s identity is or comes from what they think, feel, want, etc. People eventually lose their identity by coming under the brain washing techniques of an abusive, emotional controller. They use the same brain washing techniques that are used on prisoners of war, and that is the truth. The very same brain washing techniques are used in cults to control their members and brain washing them. Dysfunctional families and emotional abusers use the same techniques and the results are depression, repressed anger and post-traumatic stress disorder.
A person with PTSD and depression are not “insane”, “unstable” or anything else. PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression come from living your life every day in a battle zone, or living in a survival mode constantly. A person with PTSD suffers this as a result of having something done to them. They suffer the same effects as a prisoner of war or veteran that has been in combat. As a result of living in a “survival mode” or the “fight or flight” mode for long periods of time, because of living with an abuser, and as a result of living with the severe, extreme stress that comes with the various methods of abuse they use, chemical changes take place in the brain which cause depression and other illnesses like Fibromyalgia. These chemical changes have various physical effects. The chemical changes in the brain cause you to slow down and not be able to function as well. Your brain cannot stay in a constant high adrenaline state of fight or flight without burning out some neurological functions in the brain, resulting in Fibromyalgia, depression or some other disorder. The hospital staff states that most people who entered the hospital for treatment were actually healthier people because they wanted to change, versus the people out in the world who didn’t want to change and didn’t think they had a problem. People who enter the hospital for treatment, are open to learn new ways of living, functioning and communicating in order to grow and mature. Many other people are not open to growing, maturing and learning. They stated that you have to change your emotional climate by setting boundaries with abusive, controlling people, or choosing not to have relationships with people that were like that in order to be healthy and have children that were healthy. They said that people didn’t start setting boundaries until they became severely angry and that anger actually led to healthier relationships. Sometimes, relationships need to be severed when one party doesn’t change.
Anger is caused by hurt. It is a secondary emotion, which means that you are hurt first, and then you feel the anger as a result of being hurt. The degree to which you are angry is the degree to which you are hurt. Anger does not equal un-forgiveness or bitterness and people will tell you that you are unforgiving or bitter in order to shut you up and keep you from expressing your anger. This is a form of shaming, also, and it is a form of controlling you from expressing your anger or hurt. If anger and hurt are not able to be expressed, it gets stored up in the person and results in depression, suicide, eating disorders, addictions, fibromyalgia etc. This is why people should refuse to be in relationships with controlling people who deny and justify their behavior. The fruit of being in a relationship with them is depression, suicide, eating disorders, addictions and illness. If a person who has been hurt confronts the person who hurt them, and all they get is denial, justifying, rationalizing, minimizing, blaming, defending, etc. and they are shamed for their anger and the unspoken message they receive as a result of the person defending themselves. The abuser will say “You have no reason to feel the way you feel. I don’t accept your feelings and I don’t acknowledge you’re hurt. You have no reason to feel the way you do.” The hurt person’s wounds never get acknowledged because the abuser won’t acknowledge and confess it, and as a result, the victim or wounded person is not given the opportunity to heal and to have reconciliation take place in the relationship.
If anger equals un-forgiveness and is a sin, then Jesus was guilty of sin and can be called unforgiving. God himself has the attribute and emotion of anger. He created it in us to tell us that something is wrong and that we have hurts that need to be healed. The constant message is that there is something wrong with you for feeling something that you are not in control of.
A depressed person is a severely wounded person who lives with an abuser. An abusers denial causes the hopelessness and despair in family members. Denial causes the anger from all the deep wounds to be stuffed. That anger turns to depression and results in addictions as well. You can’t be emotionally abused and be emotionally healthy and not affected by it any more than you can be physically abused and not be physically affected by it. Your emotions are going to be wounded and hurting until you get to the point where you just can’t take any more pain. That is when you become suicidal and it is at this point that lawyers, ministers, family members, neighbors and so on should take special precautions not to pile more burdens and wounds on the victim and abandon them because it could just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It is time to be a burden lifter and listen, believe and be loving and caring, not wound the person more. They are already wounded to the degree that they cannot take any more pain. A person cannot heal if they are continually stabbed and wounded, even if they have the best surgeon around. If you physically hurt someone, you are legally held responsible and can go to jail. The person who is wounded is not at fault and they did not ask to be hurt and they cannot do anything about their condition apart from going to the doctor. The same holds true with emotional abuse. You can open up the door to the devil in other people’s lives by how you treat them. We need to hold the emotional abuser accountable for the wounds they inflict on others and what it causes in their life. They didn’t ask to be stabbed emotionally and they can’t do anything about their condition apart from going to a doctor. Many times they don’t have the emotional strength to leave the abuser, because this, also, is painful and they are already at the point where they just cannot endure any more pain. Suicide seems to be the only relief from the pain at times because you know it will continue as long as you live with the abuser and divorcing is also too painful and the abuser continues to victimize you even more when you go through the “system” to divorce them. Now they use lawyers to help them abuse and gain control and intimidate. People who are killed by their abusers are usually killed when they plan on leaving or have left.
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming – Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it, provoked it, etc.
Minimizing, denying, blaming, rationalizing, justifying, explaining, giving your intent, are all forms of denial. This is used so that the abuser does not have to look at or accept responsibility for his behavior and how it affects others. It actually gives them permission to continue their controlling, hurtful behavior. It is a defending technique and the abuser is all about self-defense. An abusive person’s love really amounts to fear and because they are afraid of the outcome of a situation, they try to control it and they will violate physical, emotional, mental, and sexual boundaries in order to do this.
A boundary is an invisible line that determines where one person stops and another person begins. We see boundaries with our neighbors. There is a line where our property stops and theirs begins. The same is true with countries, and personal body space. There are also emotional and psychological boundaries as well. This is a line that determines where one person stops and the other begins. To cross a boundary against another person’s will constitutes abuse and this is why Jesus said, “If your brother trespasses against you, rebuke him.” How do you know if you have been trespassed against if you don’t even know where the boundary or line is? Jesus observes our boundaries and expects us to observe and respect others. Abusive, controlling people do not respect, observe and know about boundaries. They want to tell you what to think, what to feel, what to want, who to be, what to look like, smell like and they want to determine who you are and what your identity is. You lose your identity when living with an abusive, controlling, shaming abuser. The problem is that just because they explain away your feelings, doesn’t make your feelings go away. You just deny and repress your feelings, needs, wants, thoughts, etc. You become numb, emotionally frozen and dead inside.